Transmissions from the International Cryptozoology Museum

We crossed the border into Maine at 1:00 AM while “Five to One” screamed from the speakers.  Jim Morrison howled “no one here gets out alive.”  Not the thing you want to hear when you’re driving into an unknown state on very little sleep.  A few miles in, I saw a sign that read, “Caution: Watch For Moose in Roadway.”  So my demise had been preordained.  Well played, Lizard King.  Well played, indeed.

The next sign warned of butterfly screams

We found a Motel 6 and slept the sleep of the dead.  The bed was small and a little hard for my liking, but, after being on the road for roughly 19 hours, any bed looked good.

My wife and I would be in Portland, Maine for a week.  Before we left, I had made a list of things I wanted to do while I was there.  On the top of that list was the International Cryptozoology Museum; the world’s only such museum.

Cryptozoology is the study of animals whose existence has not yet been proven (translated literally to “study of hidden animals”).  The animals themselves are classified as cryptids.  Some of the more famous cryptids include Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra and The Jersey Devil. 

The museum was started by noted Cryptozoologist Loren Coleman.  The majority of the artifacts on display are from his personal collection.

On my first full day there, I loaded the address in my phone and headed out.  I parked and walked a couple blocks to the museum.  I walked past comic book stores and record stores and book stores, and made a note to visit each of them before I left town.

Before too long, I found myself standing at the mouth of an alley marked Avon Street.  I looked to the end and saw a woman walking a dog.  Both appeared to be staring directly at me.  I heard a distant howl and turned my head to look.  When I looked back to the alley, the woman and her dog had been replaced with a cloud of mist.  I saw the sign for the museum about halfway down the alley. The mist was starting to creep towards me.  I bolted towards the sign and slipped in the door just as two wispy tendrils reached for my legs.  I slammed the door and breathed a sigh of relief.  "You're going to have to be quicker than that," I whispered.

I took a step inside and looked around.  The whole of the museum was two large rooms.  The curator - a sweet woman in a polka dot dress - was sitting at a small table to my immediate right.  She took my money ($7), gave me a map and a brief overview of the museum.  I thanked her and began to walk around.  There were only a couple other people in the museum, and all of them seemed very interested in the artifacts on display.  (I later discovered that the lovely curator was none other than Jenny Coleman, Loren's wife.)

The first case I came across was a collection of figurines of animals once considered cryptids, but now accepted as animals.  “This section really gives credence to cryptozoology as a science,” the curator told me.  I looked at the case and nodded my head.  Inside the case were such animals as the komodo dragon, platypus, giant panda, mountain gorilla, coelacanth and okapi. 

I was going to look at the case for a little while longer – perhaps write down all the names of the animals it contained – but I couldn’t.  I looked to my right and saw Bigfoot, standing against the wall.  I jumped up and down and giggled a little.  “BigfootBigfootBigfootBigfooooooooot,” I squealed.  I glanced around and saw an elderly gentleman looking at me and herding his grandchild to the other room.  I refuse to apologize for my actions.  The day I see a ten foot tall Bigfoot and don’t react with glee is the day I don’t want to live in this world anymore.

I wanted to get my picture taken with him, but the curator was busy at the time.  "I'll just snap one of those selfies the kids like so much," I said to myself.  As I was getting ready to take it, I swear I saw Bigfoot's arm move towards me a little.  I snapped the picture in a panic and whirled around to look.  No movement, but his arm did seem to be in a slightly different position.  I looked at the curator. 

"I think his arm just moved."

She laughed nervously.  "His arm?  No.  That's crazy.  You're crazy.  His arm.  That's funny."

"I'm pretty sure I saw..."

"So you think this large Bigfoot is alive and moves around the museum at night, making himself sandwiches in the kitchen and sitting in the chair watching the Patterson-Gimlin footage in between his random Netflix binges?"

"I...uh...I never said any of that."

She laughed nervously again.  "Oh yeah.  Me neither."  She picked up a non-ringing phone.  "What's that?  It's urgent?"  She put her hand over the receiver.  "Sorry, I need to take this." 

I shrugged my shoulders and moved on to the rest of the museum, occasionally glancing at Bigfoot.  I'm sure there are worse ways to die than being mauled by Bigfoot, but I wasn't ready to die just yet.  Because I am so...very...pretty.

If you're in a hurry, you could get through the entire museum in 30 minutes or less.  But if you take your time - as I did - you can easily spend a couple hours.  I spent my time meandering around the museum, looking at exhibits and reading plaques.  It was extremely informative and a lot of fun.  Here's a list of some of my favorite things:

Baby Bigfoot, named Esau after the Biblical figure.  What an adorable/terrifying little creature. Remembering that you're not supposed to stand between a Bigfoot and its progeny, I quickly backed away.

Uses pine cones as pacifiers, because he's hardcore

 An exhibit dedicated to Bigfoot, featuring the Patterson-Gimlin footage running on a loop.

The head of a Loch Ness Roe Deer.  Roe deer are often seen swimming in the Loch Ness area.  From a distance, these swimming figures can easily be mistaken for ol' Nessie.

An exhibit for The Dover Demon, which was seen in Delaware in 1977.

A Jackalope.  Who doesn't love jackalopes?

The picture behind him is a self-portrait. Jackalopes are notoriously artistic.

A Fur-Bearing Trout.  I loved this one.  The story behind the Fur-Bearing Trout is one of my favorites.  One theory is that these fish grew fur to deal with extremely cold temperatures.  Another theory (for those reported to have been seen in Arkansas) is that someone accidentally spilled some jugs of hair tonic into the water, thus giving the trout fur.  It's basically the "Simpson and Delilah" episode of The Simpsons, sans Karl.  Someone tell those fish that baldness is hereditary.

My mother told me never to kiss a fool

The legendary Fee Jee (or Fiji) Mermaid.  I stood in front of the case for a solid five minutes, screaming, "Keep singing!"  Nothing happened.  The conch shell I brought must not have been magical enough.  Mermaids be picky.

Look at my cage. Isn't it neat?

An exhibit for The Montauk Monster.  It was Loren Coleman who determined that the beast was just a raccoon.

An exhibit for The Jersey Devil, including a plaque that was attached to the Jersey Devil House, where he is said to have been born to Mother Leeds in 1735 in Pine Barrens, NJ.  No word as to whether The Jersey Devil had anything to do with the mysterious disappearance of Valery.

Packets of ketchup and relish were nowhere to be found.

A replica of the Minnesota Iceman, sleeping peacefully in his glass case.  The fake ice around the glass was a really nice touch.

A miniature recreation of the scene where the Patterson-Gimlin footage was shot.  I spent a ton of time looking at this and pretending I was inside.  Inside the case, I mocked the way Bigfoot walked and was promptly torn limb-from-limb while Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin laughed.  My head is a place not fit for man or beast.

In my version, all the sand is blood.

Pamola, a thunder god with the head of a moose, the body of a man and the wings and feet of an eagle.  Legend has it that he inhabits Mt. Katahdin, the tallest mountain in Maine (roughly four hours north of Portland).

A statue of Bandit, thought to be the first victim of The Mothman.  "Good dog, good dog," I said between sobs as I patted his head.  It wasn't Bandit's fault he didn't have easy access to Chap Stick.

There's a section dedicated to cryptids in popular culture.  Stripe from Gremlins stared down at me from above.  The Bumble from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer smiled dimly from his perch on the shelf.  "Must have been before Hermey got his pliers in there," I laughed.  A low growl came from his direction.  I let out a scream and moved on.

A map of Maine with pins marking cryptid sightings in Maine.  This was right next to a board with detailed descriptions of Bigfoot sightings in Maine.  I spent a lot of time reading every entry on that board.

There is a lot more on display than I have listed here.  And, although I try to keep up with these discoveries, there were a lot of things that I had never heard of before. 

On my way out, I stopped by the t-shirt rack.  There were some terrific shirts, but, sadly, none in my size were in stock.  Bigfoot gave me a knowing wink. 

Before leaving, I looked at a stack of books for sale and picked up a copy of Coleman's latest, "Monsters of Massachusetts".  I talked to the curator for a bit and told her how much I loved it.  Eventually, I got my picture with Bigfoot.  I now knew what he knew, and he saw me as a friend.  "The next time you watch Netflix, make sure you catch Luther," I told him.  He gave me a small nod.

I walked out into the street to find the mist had dissipated.  I didn't think it would be waiting for me, but I had no way of knowing that for sure.  I took one last look at the sign and headed out towards Congress Street.  There I would run into a machete-wielding Jason Voorhees and a disembodied head from They Live at Coast City Comics, but that's a tale for another time.

OBEY

You can find the International Cryptozoology Museum at 11 Avon Street, Portland, ME 04101.  I can't recommend visiting them highly enough.  I loved my time there.  Big up to Jenny Coleman for being so awesome. 

You can visit their website and find them on Facebook.  You can also follow Loren Coleman on Twitter.

Here is the map I picked up while I was there.

Best of 2014

You’ve handled my worst, so you’re now getting my best.

Before I get to the list, here are some that just barely missed the cut (or maybe they didn’t, but I wanted to talk about them.)

Snowpiercer
Honestly, the only reason this one didn’t make the list is because I’m not sure if it qualifies as horror.  It has been a bit overhyped, and I don’t think it’s as good as all the breathless overanalyzing tends to make it sound.  But it’s a solid movie, and I had a lot of fun watching it.  The cast is terrific, the story – riddled with logistical holes as it is – is a lot of fun, and they do a great job with the video game type plot of moving car-to-car, finding a new obstacle in each one.  Try to ignore the hype and watch this for what it is: a fun and unique sci-fi movie.
My original review.

Godzilla
Pacific Rim has ruined me a little, because all I could think was, “Why not just build giant robots and punch Godzilla in the face with their rocket-propelled fists?”  But I got over that before I went into the movie.  I just wanted something fun.  Instead, all I got was a movie following the uncharismatic kid from Kick-Ass as he travels the world as the only bomb expert left, somehow staying in Godzilla’s direct path the whole time.  I also saw two great performers – Bryan Cranston and Elizabeth Olsen – get completely washed out of the movie (an early exit and relegated to crying duty, respectively).  There were some good scenes and the last half hour made me walk out excited, but it wasn’t nearly as good as I was hoping.
My original review.

Cheap Thrills
The hype train was all geared up for this one.  I lowered my expectations before I went in.  I’m glad I did, because, even with those lowered expectations, I didn’t enjoy it that much.  Sky high expectations would have led to me hating it.  The cast is terrific (Ethan Embry, David Koechner, Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) and there were some good dark comedy moments, but the story was extremely predictable, made even worse by the feeling that they were trying to deliver a huge emotional gut punch at the end.  (I could see the end coming from a mile away.)  There were also a few scenes that really drove the drama forward by actions that made no sense (I realize it’s a weird statement to make about a movie like this, given all the out-of-character things that happened, but I stand by that statement and am more than happy to discuss it).  It wasn’t a bad movie.  I thought it was decent.  But the overhype really hurt it.  If you don’t expect anything mind-blowing, you should have a good time with this.

Life After Beth
I didn’t expect much out of this.  Just a fun zombie movie with a good cast.  That’s exactly what I got.  It looked at the zombie genre from a slightly different angle, and I enjoyed it.
My original review.

I, Frankenstein
I know, I know.  Keep in mind that I’m a fan of the Underworld series, the first 3 Resident Evilmovies and the first 2 Mummy movies.  I’m a sucker for a fun action/horror movie is my point.  This movie is way more complicated than it has any reason to be, but it was a lot of fun to watch.

Enough of this nonsense.  To the top 10!

10. Under the Skin
All I knew going into this movie was, “Scarlett Johansson artsy Species,” which is really just word soup.  But that’s pretty much what this was.  There’s not a lot of dialogue, and there’s a lot of Scarlett driving around Scotland in a white van, talking to strangers.  There’s seduction and nudity, but none of it is alluring.  This movie definitely isn’t for everyone, and it’s not for every mood, but I really liked this a lot.  It has a hypnotic quality to it.  Once it clicked for me, I was glued to the screen.
My original review.

9. The Sacrament
Those of you who know me know that I have never liked Ti West.  I’ve never liked a single movie of his.  In fact, my favorite Ti West moment is when he gets shot in the head with an arrow inYou’re Next.  But this was something different.  The first 30 minutes were pretty slow, and I started to tune out a little.  I knew where the story was going, anyway: it’s basically a retelling of the events of Jonestown.  But then it started to pick up a bit.  Even though I knew where it was going, it was still able to draw me in.  The paranoia and insanity increased incrementally.  By the time it got to the Kool Aid (or, more accurately, Flavor Aid) scene, I was all-in.  There are some images in this film that I’ll never be able to get out of my brain.  There were some extremely chilling moments.  I didn’t love the whole thing, and I had some logistical issues like, “How did they get the footage off that specific camera?”, but that’s just being nit-picky.  I liked this a lot more than I thought I was going to.
My original review.

8. Sacrament
Not to be confused with the last movie.  This one was directed by Shawn Ewert, and it follows a group of friends as they take a trip to Texas and find themselves in a town surrounded by religious fanatics and the sweet, sweet smell of meat.  This could have easily turned into a predictable slasher, but the religious angle helped to add another layer to the film, as did the fact that these characters felt like actual people.  Ewert made me care about the characters and what happened to them.  There were a couple scenes I wasn’t crazy about, but, again, that’s just being nit-picky.
This is also notable for being one of the final performances of the great Marilyn Burns.  She doesn’t have a huge role, but she’s fantastic when she’s on the screen.

7. Tusk
I just watched this last week.  I’m still trying to make up my mind on it, so it has a chance to climb up the ladder or fall down, depending on where I settle.  For now, #7 seems about right.  I thought I had a decent idea of what this movie would be: crazy old man turns mustachioed Justin Long into a walrus.  I figured it would be really gory.  Something like Human Centipede orHostel or something.  But it really wasn’t.  They didn’t show much of the transformation at all.  That’s good, because just looking at the walrus suit was disturbing enough.  There were a number of scenes in here that made me laugh entirely too hard.  It was a really well done dark comedy/horror.  I loved it.  I could have done without Johnny Depp’s character, and the podcast segment at the end reminded me of how much I dislike Kevin Smith, but those are small complaints.  I thought I would hate this movie, and I was completely blown away by how much I loved it.

6. Oculus
I kind of lumped this into “mirror horror” (which I believe only includes Mirrors and Mirrors 2), so I wasn’t expecting much.  I came away loving this movie.  There were some great performances here (Karen Gillan and Katee Sackhoff were the standouts, but everyone was terrific.  Even the children were great, and I’m normally not a big fan of child actors), the story was good, and there were some really creepy moments.  I love how the film played with the perception of reality.  This is a great movie to put on when you’re by yourself in a dark house.
My original review.

5. The Canal
A great, claustrophobic movie about a man who discovers his wife has been murdered.  The use of old murder footage was really creepy.  This combined elements of The Amityville Horror andSinister, but still had its own style to it.  I knew next to nothing about this movie going in, and I think I was better off for it.  Just watch this movie.
My original review.

4. WolfCop
Some glorious maniac submitted a review for this, and I don’t know if I can describe it any better than he/she did.  Take Hobo With a Shotgun and, instead of the hobo (sorry Rutger Hauer) and throw an alcoholic werewolf cop into the mix.  Bam.  WolfCop.

3. Horns
I read the book and, while I liked it, I didn’t love it like I thought I would.  Still, I was very much looking forward to this movie.  After Daniel Radcliffe’s work on The Woman in Black, I was excited to see what he would do here.  He was fantastic, and the movie was dynamite.  They nailed the dark-comedy-turns-just-plain-dark mood of the book.  A number of moments had me laughing really hard.  Beyond the humor, the story was handled great.  I loved that, behind all the insanity, was a simple love story/murder mystery.  There were times I was so involved in the story that I almost forgot Ig had horns on his head.  The cast was great, and the story was handled wonderfully.  It was everything I hoped it would be.
My original review.

2. Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead
My love for the first Dead Snow is well-known, so it should come as no surprise that the sequel ranked so high on my list.  With the success of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Tommy Wirkola was given a lot more money to work with than he did with Dead Snow.  And he put that money to good use.  Everything was bigger.  More zombies.  More blood.  More intestines.  More insanity.  This movie is a ton of fun.
My original review.

1. The Babadook
How could it be anything else in this spot?  It’s rare that a movie exceeds its considerable hype (for me, anyway), but this movie managed to do that.  The first 30 minutes or so were a bit dicey (screeching children have a way of doing that), but I totally understand why they had to do that.  Then it settled in, and I couldn’t look away.  I was completely drawn in by the story.  By the imagery.  By the relationship between mother and son.  By everything.  It’s a fantastically creepy movie.  Find a dark, quiet night, open a door you can see from your viewing area, and put this on.  Don’t look at your phone.  Don’t carry on long conversations.  Just sit down and drink this in.  You won’t be disappointed.
My original review.  (I may or may not talk about the Pinky & The Brain Christmas Special.)

Worst of 2014

My plan was to combine my Best and Worst onto one list.  But then I got to writing and it got a little too long.  So we’ll roll with Worst right now.

I couldn’t find 10 films I really disliked, but it’s because I avoided a lot of movies that probably would have ended up on that list.  Jessabelle, Ouija, Paranormal Activities: The Marked Ones.  All of these were left unseen by me.  I thought about throwing them at the bottom of the list, but that seems cruel.  One day I’ll watch them and rant about them then.  I don’t want to ruin all that fun just yet.  I gotta pace myself, you see.

9. Zombeavers
It’s not that it was terrible.  It’s more what it represents, combined with the fact that it just wasn’t very good.  What it represents is the new SyFy movie trend of making an obviously bad movie, with the plan of making it so ridiculous (and making the title ridiculous) that people will love it for those reasons.  It’s a way to get people to love something ironically, without actually ever trying to make a movie that would stand on its own merits.  SyFy has been making movies for a while, and, while they’ve been pretty ridiculous, they didn’t always fit this bill.  I would tell you how many times I’ve seen Frankenfish, Minotaur, Yeti, Ice Spiders and Sabretooth, but I don’t need your judgement right now.  The wife and I once made sure we were both home to watchOdysseus: Voyage to the Underworld, starring one Arnold “Imhotep” Vosloo.  They were also behind some really quality movies, like Splinter.  They weren’t cheesy all creature-features.  Then the giant shark movies started showing up, and it all went to hell.  “What if we made nothing but stupid, over-the-top movies?”  It’s hard to fault them, really: I’m sure the Sharknado series has drawn in more viewers/money than Battlestar Galactica ever did.
I’m getting on an old-man rant, so it’s time to pull myself out.
That brings us to Zombeavers.  There was no plan in place to make this a good movie.  The idea started and ended with, “What if there were zombie beavers?”  It wasn’t funny.  It wasn’t clever.  It was just a loud, obnoxious movie about zombie beavers attacking sex-addicted college students in a remote cabin.  There were a couple funny moments, but, for the most part, it was really painful.  An unfunny idea that was turned into a movie without much thought put into it.  I didn’t hate it, but it wasn’t good, and it’s just the latest example of a trend that has gone too far.
If it tells you anything, my favorite part of the movie was watching the outtakes with Bill Burr and John Mayer ad-libbing while driving around in a truck.

8. Willow Creek
This is on here because I wanted it to be good.  It’s a found footage Bigfoot movie directed by Bobcat Golthwait.  I’m a fan of Bigfoot, and, seeing as how I had just visited the International Cryptozoology Museum, I was really looking forward to this.
It was really boring, and seemed to steal scenes directly from The Blair Witch Project (Golthwait says he’s never seen Blair Witch, so I guess it’s just some sort of terrible coincidence).  There were a few decent scenes, but I couldn’t stand the main guy, and that really hurt the movie.  It wasn’t terrible, but it just wasn’t very good.
My original review.

7. The Quiet Ones
I’m a fan of Hammer films.  I love the classics, and I’m a huge fan of The Woman in Black.  This has a great cast and a pretty cool story (well, the story this was loosely based on was good.  This version left quite a bit to be desired), but it didn’t really go anywhere.  The writing wasn’t very good, and the characters were barely characters at all.  Like Willow Creek, this wasn’t terrible, but it was really boring and just kind of a slog to get through.

6. The Purge: Anarchy
I really disliked the first Purge movie.  One of my main complaints was that it didn’t show enough of the wider carnage.  All we got was the inside of one house, and the family we were stuck with was terrible.
I got my wish here.  We saw a bigger view of the city.  We got more people involved.  It was exactly what I wanted.  Until I realized that it wasn’t.  Outside of the main character (who was more an action movie stereotype than a character), there wasn’t another likable character to be found.  I think there were a couple good scenes, but I can’t seem to remember them, so maybe it was part of a fever dream.
They tried hard to up their political statement game with this one, and they failed horribly.  It wasn’t smart enough to really say anything; just a string of failed concepts.  How is this only sitting at 6?

5. ABCs of Death 2
Oh.  Right.  Because other movies came out this year that were quite a bit worse.
I didn’t care for the first ABCs of Death, so I wasn’t looking forward to this one.  But I started watching it anyway, because I hate myself.  I say “started”, because I didn’t finish this.  I don’t know that I even made it halfway through.  I had planned to watch the whole thing under the premise of, “If I don’t like what’s on my screen right now, I’ll just wait 5 minutes and a new short will be on.”  But then I remembered I would be doing that for 2 hours, and I just couldn’t do that to myself.  I think I watched 6-7 segments (maybe more), and I didn’t like any of them.  Had I finished this, it would probably be higher on this list.  Or I would be dead.  Either way, I guess.

4. Wolf Creek 2
In what seems to be a theme on this list, I didn’t love the first Wolf Creek.  It wasn’t bad, but there just wasn’t much to it.
For this one, they decided to make Mick Taylor – the killer – more of a personality.  Tell some jokes.  Yuk it up.  Make him more of a wisecracking ne’er-do-well/serial killer.  The people love to laugh with the guy who is brutally murdering and torturing innocent humans, right?
Maybe the thought process was that many people do cheer for the killers in slashers.  But that’s a little different than this.  People cheer for Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers because they’re known entities, and the victims are purposefully vapid.  “Who cares if they die?  They’re not doing the world any good, anyway.”
You could counter my Mick Taylor argument with, “Freddy Krueger cracks jokes,” but those movies were different than this.  By the time Freddy was cracking jokes (“Soul food, nyuk nyuk nyuk.”), those movies had long since veered into the ridiculous.  So far, the Wolf Creek films are still trying to be grounded in reality.  Sure, Mick Taylor may laugh and make jokes as he’s running over a herd of kangaroos (nyuk nyuk nyuk), but they’re still supposed to feel real (they have to, or the ugly torture scenes would be for naught).  This took what I disliked about the first one and made it uglier.
My original review.

3. Alien Abduction
I had high hopes for this.  Something about a found footage alien movie sounded cool.  It sounded like something I could get down with.  But the family we followed were boring/awful, and the movie just dragged.  It was basically the “Slumber Party Alien Abduction” segment fromV/H/S/2 stretched out over 85 minutes.
Hey!  Speaking of V/H/S…

2. V/H/S/: Viral
I didn’t like V/H/S, but I thought part 2 was a huge step up.  I didn’t have high hopes for this, but I did think it would be somewhat enjoyable.  I wasn’t expecting something amazing, just something halfway decent.
I didn’t get that.  I didn’t get that at all.
The second segment – “Parallel Monsters” – wasn’t bad.  It was a decent idea, but it drug on for a bit too long.  Still, a decent enough segment.
The rest was terrible.  The segment with the magician and the magic coat was laughable, and didn’t seem to fit at all within the found footage of the rest of the films.  I honestly thought it was a joke, but I was mistaken.  The skateboarder segment was entirely too long, and the characters were insufferable.  The wraparound story was amazingly confusing.  The entire movie was littered with terrible effects of limbs being chopped off.  This was a terrible, terrible movie.  I know anthology films can be a mixed bag, but there was very little to like here.  “Parallel Monsters” wasn’t even good enough to warrant a rewatch.
And the only reason it wasn’t the worst movie I saw this year…

1. Leprechaun: Origins
I like the original Leprechaun series.  I don’t love it, and I certainly don’t think they’re good movies, but I enjoy them for what they are: ridiculous slasher movies about a killer Leprechaun.  Even if I’m not necessarily in the mood for that kind of thing, they’re pretty good movies to put on in the background while I’m doing something else.  I look up from making dinner, see the Leprechaun killing a guy by jumping on him with a pogo stick, smile, and go back to dinner.
I had prepared myself for something different with this movie.  Something darker.  I was looking forward to it.  The original Leprechaun was kind of played out.  With Warwick Davis being replaced by WWE’s Hornswoggle, I was perfectly fine with a change of direction.
But not like this.  Never like this.
The writing was terrible.  The actual origin story was all told by a 4 minute info dump in a basement.  The only likable character was Sophie, but she was only likable because she was set up as our proxy.  None of the characters had much in the way of an actual character.  Sophie and her boyfriend were having issues, but they did nothing to add to the story or the characters.
And the Leprechaun?  They say it was Hornswoggle, but who could know for sure?  Underneath the Galaxy Invader-esque rubber suit, it could have been anyone.  It could have been the kid fromSmall Wonder for all I knew.
There was not a single redeeming factor in this movie.  I thought I would at least find something to have fun with.  “So good it’s bad.”  I didn’t find that.  Maybe I needed to watch it with a big group of people, but I don’t even know if that would’ve helped.  This was a terrible movie.  Please don’t watch it.  Even if you like the Leprechaun series, don’t watch it.  Please.  I beg you.
My original review.

The Babadook

Synopsis (from the official website):

From breakthrough writer-director Jennifer Kent comes the creepy psychological horror movie The Babadook that has received an explosion of acclaim following its world premiere at Sundance 2014.  The film tells of a single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, who battles with her son's night time fear of a shadowy monster.  But soon, she discovers a sinister presence is lurking in the house.
With echoes of past and contemporary classics like Rosemary's Baby, The Tenant, The Exorcist, The Omen and Let the Right One In, the film is an immaculately crafted tale starring Essie Davis and Noah Wiseman.  The supporting cast includes Daniel Henshall, Hayley McElhinney, Barbara West and Ben Winspear.

My thoughts:

The hype machine was fired up for this one.  The Babadook had been making the festival rounds and was getting nothing but rave reviews.  I wrote a post about the trailer, in which I detailed my attempt to lower my expectations.  I succeeded to some degree, but I was still very much looking forward to this one.  When I finally got my grubby mitts on a copy of this (complete with a severely dialed-back version of the pop-up book), I squealed.  I squealed like a little girl.  In a little dress.  Little saddle shoes.  Little pigtails.

That does sound like a little girl.

The first half hour of this was a little rough.  They needed to set up Essie Davis' Amelia as an exhausted, barely-clinging-to-her-sanity mother of a problem child (the word they kept using was "disobedient," but he was really just an unholy terror).  They needed to do this so that, when Mister Babadook showed up, we weren't sure if there were really a monster in the house or if it was just the frayed edges of her sanity finally becoming fully unraveled.
It's the way this was done that really wore me down in the early going.  Her son, Samuel, is a shrieking horror.  He sees monsters in the house from the beginning, so he comes up with a series of weapons to battle them (my favorite is a backpack that hurls a baseball with a mechanical arm).  As you can imagine, this ends with him breaking lots of things.  He doesn't get along with other children, which leads to them picking on him and him retaliating.  Between his gadgets and his violence, he could be seen as a mix between Macaulay Culkin's character in Home Alone and his character in The Good Son.  He is kicked out of school and forced to spend more time at home with his sleep-deprived mother.  But, most of all, he shrieks.  He kicks and screams and screams and screams and screams...

It's really obnoxious.  I fully understand that's exactly the point, but it's grating.  We're supposed to sympathize with Amelia when she feels like she just can't go on.  She may not love her child, and we're supposed to see exactly why she is at this point.  It's effective, but it's still not a lot of fun to watch.  Then again, we're watching as a mother pretends to love her child, all the while fluctuating between being afraid of him and resenting him.  This isn't supposed to be fun.  

Then Mister Babadook shows up, and the movie really takes off.  A pop-up book shows up and she reads it to her child.  It's horrifying.  She destroys the book, only to have it show up later with some more pages added.  Are those new pages real?  Was the book put there by a stalker, or was it The Babadook?  

She starts hearing noises in the house at night.  Seeing shadows move.  When the first growling strains of, "Ba ba-ba dook dook DOOK," filled the room as she hid under her covers, I felt a chill go up my spine. 
Even then, it was unclear whether or not The Babadook was real, or just a product of her deteriorating sanity.  Was she really hearing those things, or did she just think she was?  She was sleep-deprived to begin with, but, as the movie progressed, it seemed like she didn't sleep more than 15 minutes a night.  That little sleep can do terrible things to a mind.

TERRIBLE things

As Amelia's sanity slipped further way, Samuel somehow became the voice of reason.  The tables had turned.  He was now terrified of his mother, and with good reason.  As much as she recoiled in horror when the book showed her killing her son, a part of her seemed like that would be a good idea.  As a child, what's more terrifying than a mother who wants to kill you?  How she came to that point is trivial.  To Samuel, it doesn't matter if she's possessed by a monster or just exhausted: the end result is the same.

I don't want to get into it too much more, lest I creep into spoiler territory.

I loved this.  As I mentioned, the first act can be a little dicey, but it's a necessary evil.  The second act is great and filled with a lot of creepy moments.  The third act goes completely bonkers, in the best way imaginable.  It can be a little hard to watch at times - we basically have a front row seat for some nasty family violence - but it's not pointless.  Everything is here for a reason.  It's a film that doesn't pull any punches, but also isn't shocking for the sake of being shocking. 
This is an extremely affecting psychological thriller that may-or-may-not involve an actual monster.  While it may not be as terrifying as I had hoped it would be, it was still really creepy and was on my mind for days.  A lot of these images and themes are extremely hard to shake.  This movie works best when you're paying full attention to it.  Find a quiet night, turn off all the lights and lose yourself in The Babadook.

Rating: 5/5

One final thought:
They decided to make copies of the Mister Babadook pop-up book featured in the film.  Did I buy one?  Yes.  Yes I did.  However, I have some concerns.
Let's say that reading this book wills Mister Babadook into existence.  Doesn't it seem like a bad idea to flood households with a book that calls forth a monster?  It's basically the plot of the Pinky & The Brain Christmas special, except instead of it ending with The Brain taking over the world through hypnosis, it ends with a ton of people housing a monster and possibly killing all their loved ones.  This seems like a very bad idea.

Also, is there only one Babadook, or will each book conjure up a separate Babadook?  If there's only one, the results would be delayed.  He would terrorize one family until he's done, then move on to the next (or he would try to split his time equally and end up with all of us being mildly inconvenienced by his presence).  If there is one Babadook for every book, we're in big, big trouble.
I know they say you can't get rid of him, but I take that as a personal challenge.  You and me, Mister Babadook.  Let's dance.

Horns

Short synopsis: Ig’s girlfriend Merrin is found murdered in the woods, and Ig is the prime suspect.  He awakens one morning to find that he has sprouted horns, which give him some highly persuasive powers.  He uses these powers to find out who killed Merrin.

Notable actors: Daniel Radcliffe, Juno Temple, Heather Graham, David Morse, James Remar, Kathleen Quinlan

My thoughts:

I had been looking forward to this movie since I first saw it announced.  I already had plans to see it upon its release on Halloween. 

Apparently I’m terrible at keeping up with horror news, because Horns hit VOD on October 3.  I grabbed it as soon as I got home from work and watched it.

Just like the book, it has a strange tone throughout.  It starts out darkly comedic, then slowly loses the comedy as it goes along.  After the comedy has been stripped away, you’re made fully aware of just how twisted the events of the movie really are.

The comedy is terrific.  It’s odd to say that the guy with the horns works as the straight man, but that’s exactly what happens here.  Daniel Radcliffe’s horned Ig Perrish finds that everyone he comes in contact with feels compelled to tell him their darkest desires.

A woman with a bratty child tells Ig that she wants to abandon her family and run away with her golf instructor.

A bar owner says he wants to burn his bar down to collect the insurance money.

And so on.  Through it all, it’s the reactions of Ig that sell the comedy.  Radcliffe shows off a wide array of faces that feature a mixture of shock, disgust, curiosity, fear, exhaustion and amusement.  Ig navigates his way through his town with a set of horns, but it’s the rest of the inhabitants that show their monstrous side.  (Sorry.  I couldn’t resist.)

At its heart, this is a love story.  The only times we see Ig and Merrin together are through flashbacks.  We hear a lot about her from others, and it’s clear that she was well-loved by everyone who knew her.  In a particularly beautiful and heartbreaking statement, Derrick Perrish (Ig’s father) proclaims, “She was my favorite thing about you,” to which Ig promptly agrees.  The hatred the people in his life have for him is directly proportional to the love they had for Merrin.

It’s a great story, and it’s told really well.  It has great characters and a terrific cast.  It was also a faithful adaptation of the book.  While they changed some things, they were minor and didn’t hurt the overall feel or the story. 

Let’s talk about the book for a few seconds.  I liked the book, but there were quite a few cheesy/cringe-worthy moments that found me rolling my eyes.  A lot of those moments were omitted here, which I appreciated.

I loved this movie, and I love it even more the more I think about it.  My expectations were sky-high, and this may have exceeded those expectations.  I will definitely be watching this again sooner rather than later.

Rating: 5/5

A few random thoughts:

There was some great music here.  The usage of David Bowie’s “Heroes” was absolutely perfect (not that there’s really a bad moment for that song, but still).

The movie looked great, and had some really amazing visual moments. 

The actor who played young Eric Hannity (“Meatbag”) reminded me a little bit of Thurman Murman.

I absolutely loved this quote: “People say you have to do the right thing.  Sometimes there is no right thing.  Then, you just have to pick the sin you can live with.”