Michael Bay's "The Birds"

I’m a member of a pretty stupid horror group on Facebook.  I don’t know why I’m still a member there.  I probably just don’t think very much of myself as a person.

Anyway, there was a recent post where someone was talking about the news of the remake of The Birds.  It went something like this: “ZOMG Michael Bay is remaking The Birds.  I bet there will be exploding birds.  LOL.  Why do they keep ruining such great movies.  My childhood is ruined and I hate everything.”  I did a quick Google search for “Michael Bay Birds Remake”, and there are hundreds of scorching hot takes, all basically saying the same thing.  “This is bad.  That’s bad.  Everything is bad.  Michael Bay is bad.  Explosions.”  And so on.  So I thought I would offer my take, even if the news is a few months old by this point.

I am no Michael Bay apologist.  He made some movies I legitimately enjoyed (Bad Boys, The Rock, The Island and the first Transformers movie, mainly), but he has his share of terrible movies as well (Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, every Transformers movie after the first one and probably Pain & Gain, though I refuse to watch it).

My personal feelings about the movies he has directed don’t really matter, though.  He’s not directing this movie.  His production company – Platinum Dunes – is producing it.  There is a big difference between “Michael Bay is directing this movie” and “Michael Bay is producing this movie.”  In fact, you could just leave Michael Bay completely out of the discussion; that’s how little his directing history has anything to do with this.
Here is a list of movies Platinum Dunes has produced, along with a few thoughts I have on them.

2003 – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Remake)
It has a completely different feel from the original, but I think that helps it.  I really like this.  It’s not a great movie, but it’s a pretty fun movie.  

2005 – The Amityville Horror (Remake)
One of my favorite remakes.  I enjoyed this version better than the original.  Ryan Reynolds is fantastic.

2006 – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
I don’t know that I would slap the “fun” label on this, but I like it pretty well.  Some familiar faces (mainly Jordana Brewster and Matt Bomer) certainly don’t hurt.  I didn’t really need to see the origin of Leatherface (especially a Leatherface that is nastier than he is in the original), but it didn’t bother me.  There were some moments in this that made me squirm.

2007 – The Hitcher (Remake)
Haven’t seen this one, but it’s on my list.  For Sean Bean and Neal McDonough if nothing else.

2009 – The Unborn
Fun fact: my brother snuck me into the theater to see this movie, as it had sold out before I got there.  I hated this when I first saw it, but it has grown on me over the years.  That’s due to the laughable dialog more than anything else.  I quote this movie way more than I should.

2009 – Friday the 13th (Remake?  Sequel?  Reboot?)
A perfectly fine little slasher.  I really liked their attempt to tie it in with the original series.  That was a nice touch.  I’ve seen this movie quite a few times, yet I have a hard time remembering exactly what happens.  Not a bad movie, but far from a great one.

2009 – Horsemen
Haven’t seen it.  I’ve heard good things, though.

2010 – A Nightmare on Elm Street (Remake)
I don’t understand the hate for this movie.  I guess Robert Englund is so closely associated with Freddy Krueger that putting someone else in the role was never going to be well-received.  I liked how it skewed darker, especially given how comical the Nightmare on Elm Street series got as it progressed (New Nightmare being the exception).  I liked this movie.

2013 – The Purge
Love the concept.  Hated the family this centered on.  They made terrible decisions and I honestly didn’t care if they survived the night.

2014 – The Purge: Anarchy
Better than the first one, in that we get to see more of what happens during Purge Night, but it still falls victim to the “no characters to love” problem.  There wasn’t enough carnage to overlook the fact that the characters were all awful (Frank Grillo’s rugged handsomeness notwithstanding).

2014 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Pretty terrible, but this movie was not made for me.  It was made for children.  And, judging by the theater I was in, it seemed to go over pretty well with that group.  (I will say that I absolutely loved the little scene of Will Arnett eating a sandwich with mustard and Parmesan cheese.  They should call that thing a G.O.B., guy.)

2014 – Ouija

Haven’t seen it.  I may see it at some point, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet.  By all accounts, it’s a perfectly fine starter horror flick for teenagers.

2015 – Project Almanac
Haven’t seen it.  Haven’t talked to anyone who has seen it.  The trailer made it look awful, but I really have no read on this.

That’s not a bad list.  Not a single movie on that list makes me mad that it exists.  One that I love, a couple that are not very good, and the rest sit right around replacement level horror (or slightly above).

So relax.  Michael Bay is not going to ruin The Birds, mainly because he’s not going to have anything to do with it other than helping to fund it.  If the mere idea of The Birds getting remade makes you angry, just don’t go see it.  Show your support (or lack of support) through your money.
If The Birds is bad, you’ll have to find someone other than Michael Bay to blame for it.  I understand that he’s easy to make fun of, but all I’ve seen so far are the same lazy jokes.  And they don’t even apply here.

The Birds probably doesn’t need to be remade, but I could say that about a great many of movies that have been remade.  Some of them are good.  Some of them are bad.  Not a single one of them has ruined the original for me. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we’re living in a great era for horror.  There are great independent horror movies being released through VOD all the time.  The “direct-to-video” label is no longer a curse.  Find something you love and support it in any way you can.

Ghostbusters Reboot

As I'm sure you're aware by now, the Ghostbusters reboot was announced recently.  The details are sparse, but here is what we know:
1. It will be a reboot, not a sequel.
2. It will be directed by Paul Feig (Freaks and Geeks, Bridesmaids, The Heat).
3. The Ghostbusters will be female (Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones).

That's about it.  Sure, there are little rumors circulating (I heard something about them not wearing proton packs, but now I can't find out where that bit of news came from), but those are the major details.

By now, I assume all of you have seen the blowback.  I won't provide any links, because I'd prefer not to give them any more page views than they already have.
So I thought I'd provide my thoughts on the matter.

Let's start with my thoughts on remakes/reboots.
I have no issue with the idea of remakes and reboots.  Some are good.  Some are bad.  Some are totally unnecessary.  Evil Dead. Dawn of the Dead. Night of the Living Dead. The Thing. The Amityville Horror. The Crazies. The Town That Dreaded Sundown.  Maniac. All remakes, all terrific.  Sure, you're bound to run into a Black Christmas or Psycho or April Fool's Day, but it's a bit of a reach to immediately hate a remake just because it's a remake.  It's an unjustified hatred, and I'll never fully understand it.
Here is what I like out of a remake: for it to be different, or to improve upon the original in some way. The Crazies took Romero's story and looked at it from the angle of the townspeople instead of the military.  Night of the Living Dead took a timid Barbra and turned her into a leader.  Maniac took the grime of the original, threw a Drive-esque sheen on it and showed us the film through the eyes of the killer.
The best remakes make you look at the film as a separate entity from the original, not hold it up against the original and judge it.  Remakes are more than capable of standing on their own merit, and that's what the best ones do.

Ghostbusters has a chance to do that.  I firmly believe the original Ghostbusters is perfect.  It's every bit as funny now as it was when it was released.  I'm not looking for this movie to improve on the original: I'm looking for it to be different.  I don't want a recreation: I want a reimagination.  Feig has said that he wants it to be "really scary".  Even if you love the first one, scary is not the first word that comes to mind (except for that cab driver), so that's a start (even though the cast suggests it will absolutely focus more on the comedy than the horror).

I'm looking forward to seeing what these four very funny people will do with these roles.  I hope they take these and make them their own.  I don't want to see someone trying their best to be Bill Murray's Peter Venkman.  Take the idea of Ghostbusters and run with it.  Make it your own.

As for the people declaring things like, "This is ruining my childhood," I'll say this: don't go see it.  If you've already written it off as crap before you've seen it, nothing on the screen is going to change your mind.  Don't support it if you don't want to.  That's your decision.
Even if you feel that way, you can't even use the argument of, "The fact that this movie exists means that a better movie won't see the light of day," anymore.  With the rise of the VOD market, great movies are popping up all the time.  The Babadook was my favorite movie of the year (I know I'm not alone in that), and that did not get a wide theatrical release.  If you don't like the popular choice, there are more alternatives than ever to choose from.  You may have to dig a bit, but there are opinions everywhere.  You can find someone you trust and look to them for suggestions.  And these movies are at your fingertips.  You could go from never having heard of The Town That Dreaded Sundown remake to sitting down to watch it in less than 30 seconds.  Theatrical releases don't have to rule the day anymore.  Find something you love, support it and tell others.
Here's something I can guarantee you, though: this movie will not ruin anyone's childhood.  Even if this version is terrible, the original Ghostbusters will not be forever tainted.  It will still be there, every bit as amazing as it has always been.

For me?  I'm excited about this.  I want to see what direction they go with it.  I think this could be really good.

Evil Dead

For as excited as I was about this movie, it's kind of amazing that it exceeded my extremely high expectations for it.  It's violent.  Gory (they used all practical effects, and they all looked terrific.  I'm not totally convinced one of the girls didn't actually cut her arm off).  Creepy.  Overrun with second-guessing and illogical plot points.  Uneven acting (although it's worth noting that Jane Levy is terrific throughout.  I hope to see her in more movies very soon).  It's a beautiful and blood-drenched horror film.  It feels less like a remake and more like a love-letter to the the genre, while still adding its own memorably bloody chapter to the genre.  It shows the audience dozens of potential weapons, then gleefully uses each and every one of them.

If I have one complaint it's that the unrated version has yet to see the light of day.  I know it's out there (the first cut was rated NC-17, so they cut out some stuff to get down to R).  And, while I know they probably didn't have to cut too much (30 seconds would be my guess), my mind desperately wants to believe that there are 20+ insane minutes floating around out there, just begging to be released.  In two years, they will no doubt release it, and I will happily pay whatever they ask.

You can read my original review here.

Maniac

Description from Netflix:

In this high-gloss update of a 1980 slasher flick, Elijah Wood stars as Frank, a mannequin store owner who develops an unsatiable lust for blood when he becomes obsessed with a young artist who turns to him for help with her latest exhibit.

Notable actors: Elijah Wood, America Olivio

You can read my review of the original version here.

My thoughts:

One minor point to nitpick in that description.  Frank did not suddenly develop “an unsatiable lust for blood” when Anna comes into the picture.  We saw him kill at least one woman before he meets Anna.  If anything, Anna makes Frank try to fight his psychopathic tendencies.

Aside from two small scenes (as well as a few flashbacks), the entire film is told through Frank’s POV.  When I first heard about it, it seemed a little gimmicky.  An easy way to generate some press.  The cynic in me immediately saw a cash grab.  “Look!  You see everything through the eyes of the killer!  Give us your money!”

Thankfully, that was not the case.  The use of POV was amazing, and Wood did a great job at playing the Frank character in such a way as to convey his overwhelming psychosis without having to see him.  We were treated to scenes that showed what was going on in his head that drove him to kill.  We hear his heavy breathing when he’s stalking his prey.  We are not the killer, but we see everything from his perspective.  I don’t know that we necessarily sympathize with him, but we can definitely see why he does what he does.

To me, one of the most telling scenes comes after a kill, when Frank catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror.  He has just finished murdering and scalping a girl he took on a date.  He sees himself in the mirror, and begins to vomit.  In build-up to that scene, we see why he kills (a deep-seated psychosis brought on by his mother).  But in that scene, we see that his actions sicken him.  He does not want to kill, but he is driven to kill.  He hates himself for it, and he can’t stand the sight of himself after committing such a vile act.  He knows he’s a monster, but he can’t help it.  It’s a terrific scene, and it wouldn’t have been nearly as impactful if the film wasn’t told through the eyes of Frank.

Elijah Wood is the obvious stand-out here.  After all, it’s not easy to command a movie when you’re rarely seen, but he does a tremendous job here.  You can hear the crazy in his voice.  When you catch a glimpse in the mirror, you can see the crazy in his eyes.  And yet, behind the crazy is a tenderness.  A sense of longing.  A need to belong in a world that he no longer can find his place in.  It’s an amazing performance.

But he’s not the only one who turns in a great performance.  Nora Arnezeder (Anna) is perfect.  She’s able to see through Frank’s craziness and appreciate the person he wishes he were all the time.  Through her interactions with Frank, we see how hard he tries to fight his compulsion to kill.  She’s an extremely important character, and Arnezeder kills the role.

Really, I could talk this way about every actor in the film.  Everyone was fantastic.  There wasn’t a weak link in the cast.

The film looked great.  Where the original was a dirty, grimy film, this one felt very sleek, and the pulsing, electronic soundtrack only added to that feeling.  It reminded me of Drive.  But with more scalping.  (Although with less elevator head-stomping, which I felt was odd.)

If I have any problems with this movie, it’s that there were a few scenes that were a bit hard to follow.  But I think that’s less a problem with the narrative structure and more because we’re seeing the events of the film through the eyes of a psychopath.  As a general rule, a madman is not the most reliable storyteller.

Overall, I really loved this film.  There weren’t really any jump scares, but more of an overwhelming, suffocating dread that didn’t let up for the entire film.  It was an expertly crafted film with some tremendous performances.  As of right now, this is in my top-three horror films of the year (along with Mama and Evil Dead).

One final note: there’s a terrific scene after a kill where Frank catches a reflection of himself in a car door, holding a scalp.  It’s a terrific homage to the poster for the original.  I really loved seeing it in there.  It showed the love and respect this director had for the original, while still being able to remake it in his own style.

Rating: 5/5

Evil Dead

Description from Netflix:

When a group of friends vacations at an isolated cabin in the woods, they discover an evil Book of the Dead – and unwittingly release a swarm of bloodthirsty demons in this spine-chilling remake of Sam Raimi’s classic horror flick.

My thoughts:

I should probably stop using the Netflix recap as a starting point.  I feel like I’m correcting it half the time.  Including this one.

The friends were not so much “vacationing” as they were “helping a friend who was trying to break her heroin addiction.”  Same thing, really.

I really liked the heroin angle.  It gave all the characters a reason to be there.  It also gave the characters a reason to write-off the initial craziness of the possessed Mia.  “So she’s talking in weird voices, pacing in the driving rain and talking about seeing strange girls in the woods?  Big deal.  She’s trying to quit heroin cold turkey.”  In that sense, it was kind of brilliant.

The only thing that could’ve made that set-up better was if we, the audience, were also in the dark about it.  I didn’t love Lovely Molly, but I liked how it kept me in suspense.  Was she possessed, or was she just messed up by her drug use?  With that movie, it was never really clear.  With this movie, we already know she’s possessed.  There’s no ambiguity, and that tension is lost.  Not that it’s a big deal, really, but it was hard not to watch this and not at least think about Lovely Molly.

All that aside…

I loved this movie.  It wasn’t without its problems, for sure.  The acting was uneven (at best).  The script left quite a bit to be desired.  Some of the actions of the characters – especially Eric – ranked up near the top of some of the worst decisions I’ve ever seen any characters make.  In the scene where he actually unleashes the demon from the Necronomicon, he makes a series of terrible decisions.  Here are those decisions, in order:

1. When they find the book, they had just walked through a basement full of hanging dead cats.  The book is wrapped in a black garbage bag, then wrapped in barbed wire.  WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE.

Looks inviting.  Let me curl up for a few hours with this puppy

2. After Eric cuts through the barbed wire, he looks at the book.  (In the original Evil Dead, the book was bound in human flesh.  I don’t remember them specifying the binding in this film, but it certainly looked like it could be flesh.)  There are numerous warnings written in large letters throughout the book.  My favorite being the all-caps “Don’t say it don’t write it don’t hear it.”

"Probably just a joke.  I'll do all those things."

3. Of course, he picks that page to stop on and start reading.  I take that back.  He doesn’t start reading.  Because the words that need to be read to summon the demon can’t be seen clearly.  So he takes a piece of paper, places it over the raised letters, and starts scribbling.  Like Lebowski finding a pornographic drawing.  Except with demon-summoning.

4. As he finds the words, he says them out loud.  To no one but himself, the twerpy little wannabe professor says them out loud.  Which, of course, summons the demon and gets poor Mia possessed.

5. After he does all this, and after he sees Mia behaving in a way that no one – not even a recovering heroin addict – would act, he still doesn’t say anything about the book until more people are infected.  And dead.  Because Eric is the worst.

Seriously.  Just look at this guy. I bet he loves talking about Walden.

That’s just one string of terrible decision making by one character.  This movie was full of them.  (Although, to be fair, this was the absolute worst of them.)

Still, despite my problems with the movie, I really, really loved this movie.  It was pretty tense throughout, and had quite a few legitimate scares, as well as a few jump-scares that got me. 

And the gore.  Oh man…the gore.  On top of the crazy amounts of fake blood used (buckets and buckets of blood), they also did a great job working in some incredibly gruesome scenes (hacking off limbs, bashing in heads with sinks, cutting tongues in half with box cutters, etc.).  It’s all a bit crazy, and definitely not for the feint of heart.  But I felt that it worked really well within the movie.  This wasn’t torture porn.  This wasn’t cutting people up just for the sake of showing people getting cut up.  This gore was all within the context of the film.  And it was beautiful and terrible.

What I really loved about this film was the fact that, while this was a dark & twisted movie, it also seemed like the filmmakers really had fun making it.  There was definitely a sense of devilish glee that ran throughout.  I could almost hear them giggling as they figured out more ways to dump massive amounts of blood on our heroes. 

I also really loved the subtle nods to the original.  There were plenty of scenes that were pulled directly from the original (not a surprise, seeing as how it’s a remake), but they also sprinkled in a lot of smaller references.  These are some of the ones I caught:

1. When we first meet Mia, she is wearing a Michigan State sweatshirt.  In the original, Linda was wearing a Michigan State sweatshirt.

2. When we meet Mia, she is sitting on top of a car that resembles Sam Raimi’s famous 1973 Oldsmobile Delta.

3. Mia’s brother (David) gives her a necklace that vaguely resembles the necklace Ash gives to Linda.

I’m sure there were more (and, like I mentioned, a lot of them were more obvious and built into the story), but I thought these three little scenes were a pretty cool subtle homage to the original.

A couple more small movie references from me:

Eric – the high school teacher who seemed to fancy himself a college professor – really took a beating in this movie.  I didn’t like him at all, but I started to feel bad for him after a while.  And yet, he kept coming back.  In that regard, he reminded me a little of Red from Pineapple Express.  Sadly, there was no mention of a Daewoo Lanos.

Possessed Mia said some terrible things to her brother about what was happening to the soul of his actual sister (since a demon now possessed her body and all).  A lot of what she was saying seemed to come almost directly from The Exorcist.

Overall, I really loved this movie.  It’s definitely not for everybody, but I thought it was terrific.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up being my favorite movie of the year.  Granted, it’s still pretty early in the year (and I really loved Mama, as well), but this movie was fantastic.  While it’s hard not to compare it to the original, I didn’t find myself holding it up to the original.  It stands on its own as a great horror film. 

Rating: 5/5