Description from Netflix:
Soon after rock DJ Heidi airs a mysterious album she
received on vinyl, the locals start clamoring to hear more from the Lords of
Salem. But the group’s otherworldly
sounds have a strange effect on everyone, including Heidi.
Notable actors:
Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davison, Dee Wallace, Meg Foster,
Ken Foree, Richard Fancy
Heidi's radio show is beyond terrible, by the way
My thoughts:
I would like to start off by saying that I don’t really have
a problem with Rob Zombie. I don’t know that
I’ve really loved any of his films, but I’ve enjoyed all of them. So, while I’m far from being a Rob Zombie
superfan, I do tend to like his films.
To watch Rob Zombie films is to know that Sheri Moon Zombie
is going to be involved. I don’t necessarily
have a huge problem with her, either.
She’s not the best actress in the world, but she’s far from the
worst. If given a bit part, she’s fine.
What? Friends dance to "Venus in Furs" in the dark.
Sadly, she is not relegated to “bit part” status here. As the main character, she’s expected to
carry the movie, and she is not nearly talented enough to do that. This is a slow-paced movie, and it requires a
magnetizing presence to drive the movie.
Moon Zombie is a lot of things, but “magnetizing presence” is not one of
them.
However, she's a tremendous goat-rider
If that were the only problem with this film, I could easily
overlook it. However, that is not the
case.
Some of the scenes – especially when they flash back to the
original witches in Salem
– look terrible. The scenery looked
cheap. The witches danced and chanted
and screamed like they were in a bad stage production of Macbeth. With more nudity. Oh man.
So much nudity. So much terrible,
terrible nudity.
Toil and trouble, indeed
Other scenes were downright comical. I can’t say too much without getting into
spoiler territory, but there was a scene in the last 20 minutes that made me
laugh out loud. And there was no way Zombie
was going for laughs.
All that being said, my main problem lay with the stakes of
the movie. I wasn’t quite sure just how
terrible things would be if the witches accomplished their mission. Their ultimate plan was to bring Satan into
the world, which seems like a perfectly reasonable mission for a group of
ancient witches to have.
But what happens next?
Is the entire fate of the world at stake, or just the town of Salem ? We’re never really told. I suppose it’s safe to assume that the rise
of Satan will portend the end of the world, but that’s a pretty large
jump. After all, the existence of Satan
acknowledges the existence of God, and I’m pretty sure God would have some kind
of say in whether the world ends or not.
It wouldn’t be quite as simple as playing a record and watching the
world go to hell.
(It’s worth noting that Satan looked like a man in a bad
gorilla suit. That amused me
greatly. It was like Zombie found the
suit used in Rosemary’s Baby, dusted
it off, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Good enough.” Which, honestly, wouldn’t surprise me a bit.)
I didn’t hate the entire movie. There were some really interesting
scenes. I really loved the recurring
hallway scenes. There’s one towards the
end, with Heidi being pushed in a wheelchair, that was particularly great.
I also thought the concept was pretty cool. Music taken directly from the diary of
Nathaniel Hawthorne that put all direct descendents of the original Salem witches into a
trance, and helped to bring about the rise of Satan. And that song was pretty creepy. A dark, heavy, dirge-like song that can
easily get stuck in your head.
It was a pretty simple plot, which seemed like the way to
go. However, as I mentioned previously,
this kind of movie needed a stronger lead actress.
There were parts of this movie I liked. Some creepy images. Some decent scenes. There’s a scene near the end that is
absolutely bonkers, and I enjoyed that.
But, for the most part, this was just kind of a mess. I think Rob Zombie has a good eye for movie
making, but is not necessarily a good movie maker.
Rating: 2/5
