Zombie Lake

Description from Netflix:
During World War II, a group of villagers ambushed and defeated a band of German soldiers and threw their bodies in the nearby lake.  Now, the Nazis have returned as angry zombies, preying on unsuspecting teen swimmers and skinny-dippers.

My thoughts:
The above description should tell you just about all you need to know.  Especially the part about skinny-dippers.  Oh man...for a lake as filthy as this one, it's amazing how many skinny-dippers there are.  Young women find their way to the lake and immediately think, "I need to take off all my clothes and get in there as soon as possible."  And they do.

Within seconds, every girl in this shot was naked

While all this gratuitous nudity was going on (I'll estimate that 30% of this movie was naked ladies), there was a backstory about one of the Nazis and his daughter.  While he was stationed in this town, he knocked up a resident.  He was then killed, because he was a Nazi, and that's what you do to Nazis.  So, on top of killing nude co-eds, he also wanted to reunite with his daughter.  Because, even though he was a zombie, he still held his memories he had while living (like Colin or Bub).

Let's get some ice cream or something.  I mean...arrrrrrggggggghhhhhh

Needless to say, it was a terrible story.  They writers decided it really wasn't worth their time to flesh out any of the characters or their motivations or anything.  Am I asking too much of a softcore-zombie-porn?  Probably.

There were a lot of laughable parts of this movie (on top of the obvious nudity, which I feel has been covered pretty well).  The make-up was atrocious.  Like, visibly-rubbing-off-during-scenes bad.  Check that picture above: the make-up on his arms is rubbing off at the end of the sleeve.  And take a look at the neck on the picture below:

That's human flesh, my friends.

Most of the zombies walked around like regular people, if a little slower.  But this joker thought he was Karloff or something.  Seriously.  No other zombie moved like this.

"We belong undead.  Hey.  Hey!  Did you guys hear what I said?!"

This is one of my favorite pictures from the movie.  Look how bored that zombie on the left looks.

He's like a depressed, zombified Kyle Gass.

To say this was a terrible movie would be about the best review I could give it.  At times, it was borderline unwatchable.  Honestly, I felt a little uncomfortable watching it at times (that had less to do with the nudity and more to do with the fact that it felt like it was made by a Nazi sympathizer).  The handful of laughs didn't make up for the rest of it.

If you're looking for a good Nazi zombie movie (and who isn't?), I highly recommend you go with Dead Snow.

Underwater zombies, I know, I know, they're serious

Rating: 1/5

Zombies: they seemed to be pretty standard zombies.  No super-strength or anything like that.  Regular gunshots didn't seem to stop them (although I can't vouch for headshots, because I'm not sure any of them were actually shot in the head).  However, the thing that separated these zombies from your Romero zombies was the fact that fire killed them.  Anyone who knows zombies knows you should never set one on fire: it won't kill them, and now you have a flaming zombie to contend with.  But it seemed to work for these guys.

Mimesis: Night of the Living Dead

Description from Netflix:
When they accept an invitation to an exclusive party at a remote farm, seven strangers who love scary movies find themselves unwilling participants in a nightmarish role-playing game that pays homage to a classic horror film.

Notable actors: Courtney Gains, Sid Haig

My thoughts:
First of all, Courtney Gains and Sid Haig were in the movie for a combined 5 minutes, which was pretty disappointing.

The movie has a solid premise.  Anyone who is a regular reader of this blog knows that I'm a sucker for a good meta horror movie.  Cabin in the Woods.  Behind the Mask.  Scream.  And so on.  A good movie like this can offer a fresh perspective on the genre.
And, as you should also know (based on the name of this blog), I love a good zombie movie.  Like any good zombie-lover, one of my favorite zombie movies is Night of the Living Dead.  I've seen it countless times, and I love it a little more every time I watch it.
All those things being said, this movie should be right up my alley.  A meta-zombie movie.  Beyond that, an imaginative take on the most influential zombie movie ever made.  I should love this.

Sadly, I didn't love it.  Again, I really liked the premise.  But that was my favorite part of the movie.
The characters were confusing.  Everyone that was trapped in the house (with the exception of one of the characters) were assumed to be big horror movie fans.  They all met at a horror convention.  Presumably, they knew their stuff.
And still, it took roughly 30 minutes for any of the characters to realize they were reliving Night of the Living Dead.  Six massive horror fans and it took them that long to figure it out?  They were dressed like the characters and everything.

Beyond that, once one of the characters realized what was going on, no one remembered what happened in the movie.  The best they could come up with was, "everyone dies" and "the truck explodes".  That's it.  Any self-respecting horror fan knows Night of the Living Dead like the back of their hands.
At that point, the movie lost all credibility for me.

There were some interesting moments.  And, while the credo of the killers could be summed up by a well-known line from Scream ("Movies don't create psychos; movies make psychos more creative."), the concept was decent enough to carry me through the glut of exposition scenes.

The acting was uneven at best.  I liked a couple of the characters (the girl who took on the role of Barbra was pretty good, and looked quite a bit like Judith O'Dea), but, for the most part, my favorite characters ended up dying off too soon, or being pushed into the background (I could've used less Allen Maldonado, more Lauren Mae Shafer).  And, even for the actors I liked, the script didn't give them much to work with.

For a movie with such an inventive premise, I was pretty disappointed with the film as a whole.  It had its moments, and I may even end up watching it again, but it certainly isn't great.  It comes nowhere close to the level of Cabin in the Woods, Behind the Mask or Scream.

It's always disappointing to me when a movie like this doesn't live up to expectations.  They had a great idea, and just bungled the execution.

Rating: 2/5

BloodRayne: The Third Reich

Description from Netflix:
In this action adventure spun off from a video game, half-human, half-vampire rebel spirit Rayne is pitted against a dark evil from another time - a squad of undead Nazi warriors trying to inject Adolf Hitler with Rayne's blood to make him immortal.

Notable actors: Clint Howard

My thoughts:
On paper, I should really love this series.  A vampire-hybrid vampire hunter who is shown at random points in history, killing vampires and vanquishing evil in general.  Like a time-traveling Blade, but a hot chick.
I should have loved the second movie in particular.  My love of westerns meets my love of action-horror.
I also should've loved this movie.  A vampire hunter going up against Nazi vampires.
Sadly, when Uwe Boll is involved, all bets are off.

The story was cheesy, but it could've been decent with someone more competent at the helm.  But Boll is far from a competent hand.  He has earned his title as the worst director currently working.

The acting was terrible.  The dialogue was trash.  And the characters were awful.  Barely one-dimensional.  The fight scenes were confusing.  On multiple occasions, I thought there were more people involved in a fight than there actually were.

At a running time of 79 minutes, it was kind of amazing how slow this movie felt.  And that was with two pretty graphic sex scenes thrown in.  I'd say roughly 10% of this movie was sex scenes, which I'm pretty sure qualifies this as a softcore porn.

A scene-chewing performance by Clint Howard, Nazi vampires (including a brief glimpse of Vampire Hitler), and a hot vampire hunter could only carry this movie so far.  There were moments where this movie was pretty funny (in the so-bad-it's-good kind of way), but, for the most part, this movie was really terrible.  

Shocking, I know.

Rating: 1/5

John Dies at the End

Description from Netflix:
Promising a trip that transcends time and space, a drug called Soy Sauce is sweeping the landscape - and quietly robbing users of their humanity.  Now, it's up to a couple of slackers to stop the psychotropic invasion before it's too late.

Notable actors: Paul Giamatti, Clancy Brown, Glynn Turman, Doug Jones

My thoughts:
This movie is a little strange.  I knew that going in.  I had read the book, and the description I came up with was, "Kind of goofy like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but much darker and with filthier humor."  That holds true for the movie, as well.

Dave is our narrator, and our guide through all the craziness that occurs throughout the course of this movie.  He and John have become fairly well-known as "spiritualist exorcists", or something like that.  A reporter comes to down to interview Dave about some of their exploits.  It is through this interview that we learn about the drug (street name "Soy Sauce") that got them in this situation to begin with.

As I mentioned, it's a pretty goofy movie, but it has an edge to it.  Some of the CG looks pretty cheesy (which is to be expected, as I know the budget wasn't huge), but, thankfully, they don't rely on it too much.  They focus more on the characters, and the effects the Soy Sauce has on them.  The immediate result of taking Soy Sauce takes the user out of space and time, but the aftereffects are different for each person.  Some are able to see things in this world that have been transported from an alternate dimension.  Some are overtaken by forces from that same alternate dimension.  These things are sinister, and want nothing more than to infiltrate the world.

One of my favorite things about this film (and book) is the world it takes place in.  It's a very unique and fully realized world.  And it looks tremendous here.  As I mentioned earlier, it's a darker world than I would've guessed, based on the extremely goofy vibe the film gives off.

The casting here is terrific.  Besides Paul Giamatti, there aren't any other huge names here.  The characters of John & Dave are played by Rob Mayes (who looks a bit like Liam Hemsworth) and Chase Williamson, respectively.  Amy is played by Fabianne Therese.  And they're all fantastic.  I couldn't have asked for a better cast.

After reading the book, I was excited to find that they were making a movie.  After seeing the trailer, I was less than enthused.  It's almost like they took the cheesiest, most CG heavy moments and put them in the trailer.  And the acting looks pretty terrible.
Thankfully, that is not the case.  Aside from the CG, the movie looks great, and the acting is terrific.

It's not for everyone.  Even for a horror-comedy, it's pretty strange.  But it's funny and creepy and kind of touching at times.  And it moves along at a pretty good clip.  At 99 minutes, it's not very long, and I was never bored.  If you're looking for something kind of fun and different, definitely give this one a shot.

It's slated for a January 25 theatrical release, but it's currently available to watch on VOD through the normal venues (Amazon, iTunes, Vudu, etc.).  It's $9.99, which is a pretty good deal.  Invite a few friends over and throw this one on.  You won't be disappointed.

Rating: 5/5

Red Band trailer below:

Silent Night

Description from Netflix:
When two cops investigate a horrific mass homicide at a motel on Christmas Eve, they realize there's a psycho killer disguised as Santa on the loose.  Problem is, tonight's the annual Santa costume contest, and nearly every guy in town has dressed up.

Notable actors: Malcolm McDowell, Jaime King, Donal Logue, Ellen Wong, Lisa Marie

My thoughts:
As this blog has shown time and time again, I love horror movies.  I love bad horror movies.  I also love seasonal (say, Christmas) movies.  I have also seen the original film (1984's Silent Night, Deadly Night), and somewhat recently at that.  All that being said, I should've been the target audience for this movie.
And, sadly, I didn't love it.

I really wanted to.  It's a killer Santa Claus.  He murders with axes, scythes, flamethrowers, and whatever sharp object happens to be close at the time.  He kills those who are "naughty".  Luckily for him, this small town in Wisconsin (Cryer, I believe) is full of terrible people.  A pervy priest.  Slutty teenagers.  A softcore pornographer.  Countless drug dealers and murders.  And so on.

So why didn't I love it?  Perhaps it was precisely because I watched the original fairly recently.  The original was enjoyable mostly because of its campy nature, but partially due to the killer himself.  We saw why he became a murdering psychopath.  Now, I'm not one who needs an explanation for why these killers become killers (one of my all-time favorite horror movies is Halloween, which gives very little explanation as to why Michael Myers kills), but the original handled it pretty well and it made sense.  You don't really get any of that here.  There's a part at the end that explains it, but even that isn't great.  I felt a bit of empathy for the killer in the original.  Even after finding out why he kills, I felt absolutely no empathy for this killer.  The reasons were completely different.

There were a few nods to the original (the crazy, thought-to-be-catatonic grandfather saying, "You see Santa tonight, you better run.  Run for your life!"), but, for the most part, this can be considered a remake only because Santa kills people.  There aren't many other similarities.  Where the original followed Billy (the murderer), this movie followed Aubrey (the cop).  In fact, in this movie, Santa barely talks.  I think he says 1 word the entire movie.
Again, that's not saying that a silent killer is a boring killer.  Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees both managed to be interesting without saying much.  But this Santa just felt dull.  I didn't care about him.  I didn't even care about most of the characters (although I did want to see Aubrey survive, so that's something).

I was also rooting for Knives Chau.  Because I love her.

It just felt like a lazy movie.  Like the director said, "Hey, I should make a movie where Santa kills lots of terrible people," without putting a lot of thought into it.  No real characters to speak of.  A character who's sole purpose seemed to be putting our final girl into terrible situations (this was the Sheriff, and he was played by Malcolm McDowell).  Characters like that are the laziest way to build suspense and drama.  I always resent these characters, regardless of who plays them.

Sorry, Malcolm

All in all, it was not a great movie.  There were some enjoyable scenes, but, overall, it just wasn't great.  If you really want to see Santa killing people in terrible ways, then you may be interested in this.  But, even then, I would tell you to go back and watch the original.  There are more laughs in that one, at the very least.

Of course, this movie has Jaime King...

Rating: 2/5

Lovely Molly

Description from Netflix:
After moving into her deceased father's country house, Molly and her new husband Tim face eerie disturbances -- and things get worse as Molly faces them alone while Tim's away.  Soon the evil presence threatens both her sanity and her life.

Notable actors: Johnny Lewis, Alexandra Holden

My thoughts:
Going in, the only thing I knew about this was that it was written & directed by Eduardo Sanchez of The Blair Witch Project fame.  It looks like he hasn't completely given up on the found footage genre.  He didn't use it for this entire movie, but he used it quite a bit.  It felt pretty clumsy most of the time.  When Molly found herself being scared in the house, she would flick on the camera.  Because, of course, that's the natural reaction for all of us.

This movie started off pretty well.  There were a number of creepy parts that had me on edge.  The main actress - Gretchen Lodge - did a great job at slowly descending deeper and deeper into madness.  When the movie starts, she's a carefree bride.  But, as the movie progresses, she becomes more and more unstable.
We find out that she used to be a heroin addict, but has been clean for quite a while (I don't think they ever really say how long, but it's implied that she has been clean for several years).  As she slowly loses her mind, we're left wondering if she is possessed, or if it's just a relapse.  Either way, she's insane.
If I learned nothing else from this movie, I learned this: whether it's a possession or an addiction to heroin, you never kiss that kind of crazy.  Ever.

Okay.  Now the bad.  Somewhere in the middle, it pretty much lost me.  It reached a point where Molly's actions became so ridiculous I couldn't really take the movie seriously anymore.  It seemed like they were pushing it over-the-top because they wanted to be shocking.  There's a right way to do that.  This was not it.  They hit the crazy button too early, and they couldn't sustain it to the end.  It was no longer creepy.  And, when it lost me, it lost me for good.  There was nothing to drew me back in.
Sure, I still wanted to see how it ended (possession or drugs?), but it ceased being scary.  And, as it turns out, the ending wasn't even that good.  In fact, the big reveal made me laugh really hard.

I'm going to venture into some SPOILER territory here (complete with a picture), so, if you don't really want to know how it ends, you should probably skip it.  (Although I don't think it really spoils too much.  For me, this part was still open for interpretation.)

SPOILER ALERT

Towards the end, after Molly has exacted her bloody vengeance, she walks outside - stark naked - and encounters the demon who has been possessing her.  (I said earlier that I think this is still open for interpretation.  Even though we see the demon, I still get the feeling that it was in her head.  That it was all the heroin making her see things and act how she had been acting.)
And the demon looks preposterous.  It's like Sweetums from The Muppets lost weight and decided to start possessing hot blondes.  I laughed for a good 5 minutes.  (If you click on the picture, you should be able to see it a little larger.  Since he's in shadows, you don't really get a great look at him, but you can see enough of him to realize how stupid he looks.)

END SPOILER

As you can probably tell, I didn't love this movie.  But there are some pretty creepy moments in here.  I'd say it's worth a watch, but you can probably fast-forward through the last half of the movie and not really miss much.

Rating: 2.5/5

Wrong Turn: Bloodlines

Description from Netflix:
The local authorities already have their hands full with the legendary Mountain Man festival on Halloween, but they're in for some real trouble when a family of inbred cannibals feats on a group of college students.

Notable actors: Doug Bradley

My thoughts:
As near as I can tell, this movie took place after the events of part 4, but before the events of part 1.  The events at the hospital from part 4 are referenced (albeit clumsily).  We find the family of cannibals being taught in the art of killing by a calm psychopath by the name of Maynard (played by Doug Bradley, aka "Pinhead".  It should be noted that this makes the second movie with "Bloodline" in the title, the first being 1996's Hellraiser: Bloodline).

Bradley was terrible in this.  He didn't so much chew through his lines as much as he grabbed the lines, gnawed on them for a long time, spit them out, gnawed on them some more, then left their bloody remains strewn across the floor.  In a movie full of terrible acting, it takes a remarkable effort to stand head-and-shoulders against the rest.  And yet, that's what Bradley did here.  I realize that he didn't have much to work with, and playing it over the top was his best option.  But it just didn't work.  It was awful.  He was a one-note character who did absolutely nothing with that note.

Moving on from my Doug Bradley hate-fest.
The movie pretty much follows the same formula, with some slight changes.  Teenagers are terrorized/tortured/murdered by a family of inbred cannibals in the hills of West Virginia.  They try to get away.  Most of them don't, and they die in gruesome ways.

None of the teenagers were overly obnoxious, which was nice.  There wasn't much to them (this wasn't exactly Cold Prey) and I didn't love any of them, but I didn't really hate any of them either, and that's always a welcome change of pace.

There was some strange subplot with a newswoman who was sent to cover this Mountain Man festival (a music festival where everyone dressed up like inbreds.  They reference Burning Man, Coachella & Lollapalooza, which seems fairly close.  Except with lots of people dressed like deformed rednecks).  She went full Phil Connors, left, changed into an outfit eerily reminiscent of April O'Neal, and went running in the woods.

She is shocked by the lack of turtles in this movie

She doesn't return (obviously), and the sound operator has to step in.  It's a big moment for her career.  But who cares?  This story only takes up about 5 minutes of the movie (if that).  It doesn't set anything up, except for the fact that there are some inbred cannibals on the loose.  And it also gives us the title screen.  But that's it.

There were moments in this movie that felt really dirty & mean-spirited.  I have watched all of these movies (for better or worse), and none of them gave me the feeling that this one did.  I would go so far as to label it misogynistic, and I rarely do that with horror movies.  It just felt like they had too many scenes in this movie where the sole purpose of the filmmakers seemed to be, "Let's see how bad we can hurt these women.  Punch her harder in the face.  More violent."
Don't get me wrong, I've watched my share of movies with violence against women (as evidenced by this blog), but this is the first time I've really been uncomfortable watching them.  The women had no chance of escape.  They weren't really setting us up to cheer for any of the girls.  It seemed like they were just torturing these women because they wanted to.
There were also two sex scenes with nudity, and the second one didn't really have any bearing on the movie or the characters.  It was just, "Hey.  Boobs.  Right here."  Not for any reason, and not to set up the character as some kind of harlot who had violated the rules of slasher movies (she was a no-name character who was not killed).  Just to show a girl getting naked and blowing a fat guy.  If the rest of the movie didn't have such a negative vibe about women, I wouldn't have thought twice about this scene.  But it did, so it left me feeling dirty.
Maybe I'm off.  Maybe I'm reading this all wrong.  But that's the feeling I got from this movie, and, by the end, I just couldn't really handle any more.

Needless to say, I did not like this movie.

Rating: 1/5